Misadventures of a Self Insert
by MooNOrchiD
Summary: We've never explored the complications that may arise through self inserts. We've refused to accept that things might not turn out the way we want...Especially with a vengeful Universal entity. Fate, fed up with being cursed by petty mortals, decides to take matters into her own hand...A twisty and bendy Self Insert story...Idiot!Alice,Ed,Carlisle...Good!Volturi...be warned...OOC!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

**ERM! I need some serious down time…and maybe some inspiration and hope…this is just to help my psyche out a bit.**

**Warning: Indecent Language and themes ahead. Note the rating!**

**Yes, a self-insert story…but with a twist…twist twist…POP!**

**Slightly AU and Parody…**

* * *

**Self-Insert—the bane of FanFiction!**

It was dark, duh, it's called nighttime for a reason! And cold, well that would be due to the rain...I snuggled up tightly into my bed and fell into a very chaotic but peaceful slumber.

As usual, morning came too fast. Being unlucky me, I always had the sense of when first light hit. And no matter how tired or what conditions surrounded my slumber, I would always awake with that rising sun. Taking that I'd usually just wait out the serene warmth and then fall back to sleep, but it was still annoying that I woke up every day at the same time.

I knew it was morning, but it seemed too dark through my eyelids. I stretched out my tired limbs and sat up before opening my eyes.

I rubbed my eyes fervently and scratched my head.

My eyes shot open in sudden terror. I didn't focus on the unusual room. I was too preoccupied with the fact that I had hair. Long hair! I grabbed the unknown locks and tugged at them violently, cringing when I realized that it was naturally connected to my scalp.

Where was my cute little short cut?

Where did all this hair come from?

Why was it so freaking cold?

Whose room is this?

Strangely I felt my heart quicken and beat against my ribs, feeling like it would break through. My breath hitched so many times I thought I was drowning. My body doesn't react this way!

Then the realization of an unknown room, bed and all together climate hit me!

I screamed like a cliché girl in fear.

Loud and precariously placed footsteps sounded outside the door. Then suddenly the door burst open and a strange middle age gruff looking man with warm brown eyes charged in the room. His eyes were a contradiction to his cold exterior.

"Bella? You okay?" his husky morning voice asked concerned when he saw my shocked out of sanity expression.

Wait...Bella?

Ooh God no! Don't tell me! Fate, WHY?

I was half sure that I heard the lil' bitch giggling in the background of my mind.

_Bitch__**!**_

Another round off screaming only now it was directed to the soon to be nonexistent entity—Fate.

The kind eyed man immediately ran to the bed, grabbed my hands and tried to calm me.

"Bella, Bella...honey are you okay?" it was no doubt that this man was Charlie, Bella Swan's father.

And that meant that I was now stuck in my _friend's_ fantasy of a happy life- the life of Bella Swan/ Cullen...

FFFFUUUUUUUUUU...

I still hadn't answered his question.

Don't overdo it, I thought to myself.

I gripped his hands back and looked into his big brown orbs not flustering once.

I exhaled deeply and smiled, "Stupid nightmare was so vivid. I think all the green is already messing with me." I chuckled lightly.

He relaxed but looked at me oddly, "You'll be okay?"

I waved him off and scoffed, "Of course. Easy peasy."

I was done for!

_Take out your gun Chief Swan, I request an early death._

He chuckled and I have to say that was a nice sound. Better than the ghastly cackle my _actual_ dad has...

"Okay, I'll leave you to get ready." he said patted my hands and left.

_Fate, you malicious little wretch! This is how you get your rocks off? Really? What did I do to deserve this?_

**_You questioned my abilities pity mortal. You wanted an escape from real life, you whined that your life was 'so unfair', you refused to put some effort into life itself…You are a lazy sorry piece of Kraken saliva!_**

_Jeez. You ain't gotto be such a bitch!_

**_And that is exactly why I put you here! Let's see how different you handle this situation._**

A creepy grin spread across my face, "You really wanna go toe to toe with me?"

**_Are you really quoting 'Legend of Korra' right now?_**

"One question. Will _they_ be able to read my mind, see my future or influence my emotions?"

**_Yes!_**

"Fuck…How about a deal...When exactly are we?"

**_Bella got here yesterday. She's starting school today._**

"Okay, so what if, you put me at a later date, but you give me the ability to block ALL vampireffic powers?"

**_Vampireffic? Really? Um…okay deal…but I choose when to send you!_**

"Got it!" I said holding my breath waiting for something to happen.

I grabbed my—Bella's boobs—closed my eyes tightly and cringed as I felt a tug in my stomach and then a searing headache.

.oOo.

Opening my eyes, I found myself in a school parking lot, beside a red rust bucket. I was looking into a backpack, my ears plugged with ear plugs. I cringed at the sad emo music. Wasting no time I yanked out the ear phones and stuffed it in my bag, just in time to hear the screeching of tires.

With skills attained through meandering forest trails, climbing trees and running from older cousins, I hopped onto the hood of the truck and rolled across to the other side—just in time to see and feel Tyler's truck impact with Bella's rust on wheels. I also caught sight of Eddie boy, who stared at me from just behind Tyler's truck, in awe and confusion.

I smirked and fixed my shirt, moving a few strands of hair out of my/Bella's face, "Damn it. That's the third time this month that someone or something's tried to kill me…Oh well."

I said moving around towards Tyler's truck. He was holding his head, whining pitifully.

"Tyler, you okay? That looks nasty. Someone call an ambulance!" I shouted to the general sheep that had gathered around the incident.

A tall, gorgeous, sandy hair girl stepped forward, glaring slightly at me, "I just did." She said then turned to Tyler and helped him out of the van.

Deep in the recesses of my mind, or Bella's mind, I identified her as Lauren.

"Good. Maybe you should kiss his pain away?" I suggested playfully with wiggling eyebrows.

She looked surprised for minute but smiled at my grin and shook her head, "I'd rather he remember our first kiss."

"True…" I said with a chuckle, "He does look delirious."

"Bella…" a surprisingly familiar and melodious voice spoke from behind me.

Edward, Bella's mind told me.

I turned to look at him. He had Bella's bag in his hands. It must have tumbled off the hood during my ninja moves.

"Yes?" I asked uninterestedly. True, Bella or rather Stephenie didn't exaggerate his looks. He was pretty.

Definitely didn't look like Robert Pattinson. He looked younger. Like he was now growing into his balls.

I tittered at the thought, causing him to look at me in worry.

Bronze hair, yellow, sickly eyes, pale skin…

"You need a tan. A vacation in the Caribbean would do you good." I spoke up loudly. Several people gasped while Lauren and the recently arrived Angela giggled.

He looked affronted, but smirked. His expression morphed into something similar to smoldering.

_Is he trying to 'dazzle' me? Jeez Bella. Either you were easy or just plain retarded. I've seen Zahn Malik and Ian Somerhalder…this fool ain't got nothing on them._

"Fix your face…" I snapped as I grabbed the bag.

He ignored the snipe, "Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?"

I stared at him with a pained expression (pained because not slapping him was hurting), "I jumped over the hood of my truck, not throw myself off a building."

He reached forward, his hand moving towards my/Bella's cheek. I slapped the hand away.

"You have a scratch…" he pouted.

I harshly rubbed the spot he was pointing to and felt a slight indentation of the skin, "So? Nothing a salve or healing potion can't fix!"

_Shit, I really need to lay off the Harry Potter fanfictions…Wonder if fanfiction exist here…Am I in another dimension?_

**_Sort of…Yes, fanfiction is alive and well. And…Harry Potter is real…as in, he exists…in this dimension. He's currently expecting his—_**

A squeal of delight escaped my lips as I bounced on my heels, earning a few questioning stares from the congregated students.

Before anyone could question my sanity, the ambulance arrived. While the paramedics helped Tyler, I moved away, towards the other side of the rust bucket.

Digging in the backpack in my hands, I found the keys and opened the passenger door.

"Shit!" I coughed as the smell of old people overwhelmed my senses.

"Bella, we're going to the hospital with Tyler. Maybe you should come, in case your dad shows up." A curvy blond girl—Jessica—called out as she came around the truck.

"Okay, I'll follow you there then." I replied, surprised at how easy this pretending thing was.

_I should get into theatrical arts._

.oOo.

Daddy Charlie did show up at the hospital but he wasn't concerned about Tyler in the least. I had to shove him into the ER for him to go question Tyler.

I sat with Lauren, Jessica and Angela, Jessica had sent Mike and Ben to get us something to drink.

Lauren was biting her nails and glancing periodically towards the ER room. I patted her knee.

"Don't worry. It was just a small head wound. He'll be patched up in no time." I said with a shrug.

She eyed me for a second, but then a small smile spread across her face.

Jessica stared at me with furrowed brows before speaking, "Why was Edward Cullen speaking with you earlier?"

I shrugged, "No idea why he was there. One minute he was with his family on the other side of the lot and then BOOM, he was behind Tyler's van. It was spooky…"

I mentally grinned. No one said I couldn't stir up some trouble for the pasty ones.

Charlie who had just stepped back out of the ER approached them with a frown.

"Is he okay Chief Swan?" Lauren asked quickly as she stood.

Charlie nodded, "Just a bit dizzy. He wanted to speak to you Bella…"

I squeaked and glanced at Lauren, who frowned, I stood and interlaced our arms, "Come on. He probably wants to apologize for almost squishing me like a bug. You can kiss the pain away while I demand retribution."

As we entered, Tyler was speaking to a pale blonde haired figure. My heart almost stopped as he turned to look at us, his yellow eyes zeroing in on me.

I swallowed a lump in my throat.

_Goddamn man, why you so hot!_

"Bella…" Tyler called out, his voice groggy, probably from pain meds. He had a bandage over his left eye and a pained expression on his face.

"Damn, they really drugged you up, didn't they?" I joked, releasing Lauren's arm and lightly pushing her to sit beside Tyler.

Carlisle eyed us and spoke, "We've just giving him some pain medication. I heard you were almost hit—"

I waved him off, "Nah, I'm a ninja. Skidding vans won't get the drop on me that easily."

He actually chuckled, making my heart flutter again. I almost released my creepy fangirl induced lip licking and air kisses.

He left soon after.

Tyler spoke up again, "Sorry I almost killed you Bella. Anyway I can make it up to you?"

"Cheesecake…Get me cheesecake…and be more careful next time."

He smiled and nodded, "Cheesecake, got it." He turned to Lauren, offering her a grin.

I took that as my cue to leave, "See you two later. I'm going to see if anyone's heading back to school."

I hurried towards the exit but halted when I saw Carlisle speaking to Edward. Merely shrugging, I walked pass them as I whistled a harsh rendition of EXO's Mama*.

Finding the others, I smiled as I said, "Lauren helping TyTy with the healing process. Anyone interested in heading back to school?"

Jessica shook her head, "The give us the day off…"

"Oh…" I grinned, "Who's up for a little misadventure then? We can go to LaPush or something."

Mike shook his head, "The weather's not good enough for LaPush. We could hang out at Sal's."

_Sal's? I don't remember that._

"What's Sal's?"

Mike grinned, "A small hangout joint. We can play pools, eat fish and chips or just hang out in one of the gazebos."

"Sweet. You guys up for it?" I asked, turning to the others. The decision was made and we all headed out the Sal's.

After telling Bella's dad that he'd see her/me at home later, we all ended towards the hangout.

.oOo.

Since I was a horrid cook, I brought home some fish and chips for dear old Charlie and headed up the stairs to Bella room. She needed a bath.

**_You really should stop referring to yourself like that. You are Bella now. She is you…Deal with it._**

_Whatever…So did the pixie see any visions of me?_

**_Only what I want to show her. Nothing important. Just mundane activities…_**

_Like brushing teeth, taking a dump, picking my nose and shit?_

**_Yes…She's very upset about it. Oh, expect to see Eddie dearest in your room tonight. I would suggest getting a blow torch soon._**

_Are you helping me?_

**_Yes, I like what you've done so far. It's entertaining. Death's upset with you though. Or rather Bella. He wanted her soul for a while now. He says she'd annoying._**

_I have to agree with death. Can you pass on a message to him for me? Tell him I'm not Bella…_

**_He knows. That why he hasn't made an effort to reap you yet._**

_Cool. Hey, Fate…Can I do magic?_

**_No!_**

_Fuck…_

During my discussion with Fate, I'd gathered toiletries and some ratty cloths and headed to the bathroom.

I caught sight of my new face in the mirror and let out a cry of distress. Grabbing my new cheeks I squeezed it.

"I'm so pasty! I look like a corpse!" I cried dramatically. Bella wasn't kidding when she said she was plain. But plain I could work with. I much rather plain.

_Makeup, I need to buy some. I'm not going out looking like a Cullen._

At least her hair was thick and somewhat shiny. But the weather made it stick out at several points. Brown hair, brown eyes—used to that.

_I need hair color too…Red…I maybe I could start the lilac trend. Nah, finding that hair dye would be hellish_

"Hey, Fate…how can I get money?"

**_You have a saving, in your bed table second drawer. Asking Charlie shouldn't hurt. Renee would be better though. She wouldn't mind helping you._**

"Good, I need a straightening and curling iron as well."

**_Check the suitcase under your bed. Pretty sure you'll find more cloths there too. I took the liberty of bringing all of Bella's cloths from Phoenix. The ones that she left._**

"Aw…You're so thoughtful…You're not such a bitch after all."

.oOo.

True to Fate's word, Eddiekins showed up in my room that evening. The results were detrimental—to him.

I was pretending to be asleep. My breathing shallow and slow, a technique I'd developed while trying to evade chores. Pretend to be asleep, so well that no one realized what I was doing.

My arm was under my pillow, which had a light and hairspray in it. I'd already tested my makeshift flamethrower in the backyard. It worked like a charm. I'd made sure to put the fire extinguisher beside my bed as well. I also had a camera hidden behind some teddy bears on my dresser, facing the window. Beneath the window, I'd sprinkled white powder onto the floor. That way I'd know if someone entered the room when I saw footprints.

I was pretty sure if any Edward fans knew my plans to roast his hide they'd probably come after me. My only response to them would be, to raise my blowtorch and screamed, "Come at me, bitches!"

It took some effort for me not to panic when I heard the window slid open. I stayed still for another ten minutes before I started to mumble.

"…please…yes…Caius…" I had to hold in a full blown laugh when I heard him inhale sharply.

I could hear him inch closer. I waited until I felt his cold breath on my face to open my eyes.

I glared and shouted, "DIE SPARKLY MOTHERFUCKER! DIE!" as I wielded my weapon, the fire catching him in the face.

He screeched as he stumbled back. Before I could get another go at him he was already gone.

I pouted as I put out the small fire that had started on my bedside table (thankfully I'd emptied its contents before carrying out my plans).

Charlie barged into the room, his gun already in hand searching for something to put metal into.

"What's going on?" he asked as he looked at the opened window, then to the singe marks on the bed table.

"EDWARD CULLEN WAS JUST IN MY ROOM! I woke up to find him staring down at me with his creepy pervert eyes. Lucky, I always keep something of a weapon close to me while I sleep. I burnt him with my makeshift blow torch and then he just disappeared."

Charlie looked at me skeptically, lowering his gun.

"I can prove it!" I said, turning on the lights, I led him to the windows, showed him the footprints in the powder and then pulled out the camera from its hiding place.

Charlie looked on with wide eyes as the video played through, showing Eddie weddie crawling through the window like something out of a horror film and then creeping towards my bed.

He cracked a grin when he heard my battle cry and Ed on fire.

"Let's show that bastard you don't mess with Swans!" he declared as he walked out the room, camera in hand, "Throw on some clothes. We're going to the station."

* * *

_**And there...I vented my frustrations...**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Alice Cullen was angry. She couldn't see a thing. She'd clearly seen Bella but then her visions suddenly went wacky just before that van almost killed her today.

She pouted pitifully, the plan was set. Edward would get some sick love for the petty human, who fall head over heels (like all foolish humans did) with him and they'd live happily ever after. Sure, they'd have major bumps in the road. But that wasn't important. What was important was she proved to Jasper that she wasn't in love with Edward. The fact that she was didn't matter much.

She just needed Edward to find a girl for show, so she and he could have their affair with no one being the wiser. But now the prime candidate for Edward 'love' and sex toy was inaccessible. No matter which way she manipulated the situation, Alice couldn't find a way to get Bella to fall for her Edward. The one vision that seemed to be true and unchanging was her and Edward being introduction to a scary looking blow torch.

Still…she didn't give up. She'd managed to convince Edward that he needed to spend the night in the human's room. She made sure to tell him that he needed to wake the human during the night, but make it seem that he didn't, let the little fool see him and their plan would be golden.

Of course she didn't mention that she'd had that vision about a week ago and Edward was too caught up with his new potential toy to care. Personally, Alice didn't understand it.

Sure, Bella had a mouth-watering scent, she was somewhat pretty (she had potential at the very least) and she was timid. Perfect for molding into the trophy mate for Edward.

Just after she'd shoved Edward out his bedroom window, telling him to go to Bella, Jasper (who'd been listening by the door) went in search for his_ true_ sister and brother, Rosalie and Emmett.

He found them sitting in the living room watching some meaningless show.

"Rose, Em, wanna go hunt?" he asked and tapped his finger to his chest twice. It was their escape sign. Whenever they wanted to get away from Edward Broodyshorts and Alice Chirpstoomuch, they'd use the signal and beat it.

"Sure!" they two piped up as they stood and the three of them ran towards the town.

It was their usual plan of escape, hide in plain sight. They knew of Alice and Edward's superior attitude towards the simpler parts of human life, such as bars and clubs. This made it easier for them to hid from their clan members when the time saw fit.

As the three settled into their seats in the topless bar, Rosalie was the first to speak, "What's wrong Jas?"

"Alice and Edward are fucking each other. I heard them talk about it in his room. Their planning to use that Isabella girl to make it seem like Ed's not interested in the half pint bitch!" he forced out.

His two siblings snarled viciously.

Emmett spoke when his anger abated, "How come they didn't realize you heard?"

Jasper shrugged, "Alice's visions have been wonky lately. And Edward is so absorbed in wooing the human that he doesn't pay attention to people thoughts much. Neither can hear nor see anything on the human."

"I never liked that pixie bitch. She'd always seemed too cheery to be normal. When did they start…doing the nasty together?" Rosalie asked disgustedly. Why would anyone want to fuck any of those two? Alice had yet to develop any curves or breasts, while Edward was a rigid prude!

Jasper shrugged again, "Who knows? I'd bet they started not long after we joined the family. Alice and I haven't had sex since then."

"Fuck me…Jasper…that's like a lifetime ago. How are you still sane?" Emmett asked aghast.

Jasper smirked, "I do have friends you know Emmett. Who're very willing to help out an old friend in need of release."

The two males high fived each other and started sharing stories of their sexual conquests.

Rosalie finally spoke up, cutting them off, "What are we going to do to stop them?"

"Well, Alice and I aren't exactly married, so I could always leave her…" Jasper said thoughtfully.

"And what about Bella?" Emmett asked worriedly, "We can't leave her vulnerable to their plan!"

"Shit! Alice sent Edward to her house! He's going _try _some bullshit…what was it Alice said? OH, stand over her bed and watch her until she wakes up and then hide. Make her think of him or some shit like that!"

Rose scrunched up her nose, "The poor girl might get nightmares after that!"

Emmett cringed, imagining himself in the human's place—waking up to seeing Edward in a dark room—he almost projectile puked!

Jasper downed his beer and stood with conviction in his eyes, "Well then, let's stop them!"

"What about Carlisle? You know Edward is like his favorite? He'd never let us stop them!" Rosalie scowled. True, Carlisle was blind to all of Edward's faults and the way he ignored Esme and eyed up her (Rosalie), just irked her to her core.

The two males frowned but Emmett suddenly had a bright eyed expression, "Esme! She'd be pissed if she heard what they were up to!"

Jasper grinned, "YEAH! She'd rip Eddiekins a new one and Carlisle wouldn't be able to say anything about it!"

"Guys…" Rosalie said with wide-eyes, she was staring at her phone, "…I don't think the human needs our help…Alice just texted!"

She showed them the text.

**_WHR R U, JAZZY AND EMMETT?!/! EDWARD'S HURT! THAT HUMAN BITCH ISA-BELLA LIT HIM ON FIRE! COME HOME! NOW!11!_**

Emmett rubbed his eyes, "Why does she have to use all CAPS! That's so fucking annoying!"

"Why would Isabella light him on fire though?" Jasper asked the important question.

.oOo.

Several Minutes Later…(said in dreary tone)

The three got home to find an angry pixie-bitch, crying pansy and worried Esme.

Pixie-bitch turned her ire on them, "WHERE WERE YOU THREE? EDWARD'S BEEN ATTACK AND YOU THREE IDLE OFF TO DO GOD KNOWS WHAT?"

"Alice, kindly speak at a louder decibel. Thank you!" Esme's tone didn't leave room to argue.

"Is that alcohol I smell? You three were out drinking that filth when Edw—!"

"Shut the fuck up Alice! How were we supposed to know the little shit would have gotten himself in that situation? How the hell did the human even manage to attack him?" Jasper said, grinning at Alice's shocked expression.

Esme spoke up then, cutting off another of Alice's rant, "He was in her room! I don't know what possessed him to go to her house in the first place…he's knows well enough that I don't him to leave the human alone!" she turned a glare to Edward.

It was then that the others noticed his predicament.

His entire right side was bright pink and elastic looking and his hair was still singed and smoking.

Emmett refused to hold his laughter and looked disappointed when Edward's face and hair started to change back to normal. He found himself cursing the vampire's ability to heal.

"What were you doing in Isabella's room anyway?" Jasper questioned, his mind void of all thoughts pertaining to his conversation with his siblings.

"Bella…" Edward corrected in a pompous tone, "And I was just there to make sure she was safe…and unhurt from the incident earlier."

Rosalie scowled at him, folding her arms in front of her, "Unless you forgot Eddie darling, _Isa_bella was unharmed. So, why were you really there?"

"What Edward chooses to do with respect to Bella is his business. She is _his_ singer after all." Alice said snidely, like that explained everything.

"Singer, not property. Alice." Esme reprimanded sternly.

The discussion was cut short by Carlisle storming into the room. He quickly went about checking Edward for scratches, cooing at the forever seventeen vampire like he was a four years old. Edward seemed to relish in the spotlight, causing Jasper and Emmett to gag playfully.

"So Isabella lit you on fire? Why would she though? I'd understand if she threw something at you or just screamed. But…light you on fire and you didn't even react on time? That's very…convenient." Rosalie commented, rubbing her chin.

Edward glared at her, upset that he couldn't get a good read in her mind, "She was prepared! I thought she was asleep, so I…got closer. And she pulled out something…a flamethrower…"

Alice's eyes bugged and she started biting her nails but no one commented. Jasper noticed this though.

Edward continued, "She was so sweet in class earlier. But right after the accident, she just changed…She was so…unappealing."

"News flash Eddiekins…Every girl's a bitch, deep down. Piss one off enough and you're the chief contender to test their skills on." Emmett chuckled. Esme and Rosalie shrugged, knowing the statement to be true.

"She said some said something before I was attacked…some rather coarse words. But she mentioned 'Sparkles'…do you think she knows about us?" Edward asked in worry.

"How can she?" Esme asked before anyone else could, "It's not like we aren't careful around humans…Unless…Edward, did you mention anything out of the norm during your class together?"

"NO!" Edward said, looking affronted.

"Esme, how could you accuse Edward like that? I'm disappointed in you…" Carlisle chastised.

Esme scowled at him "Screw you and your disappointment Carlisle. Edward's the only one of us who said anything to her. If she figured anything out it's his doing."

Jasper eyed Emmett and Rosalie with a smirk. He may have sent some courage and anger at Esme, but the results were worth it.

"I didn't speak to her for that long! It was only two periods!" Edward pouted. Alice moved over to rub his shoulders.

"It's just a coincidence then." Jasper offered, his thoughts contradicting his statement.

"So, she saw you? Isabella, I mean…" Rosalie started, "She saw you in her room?"

Edward had a pained expression, answering Rosalie's question.

"Fuck Edward! You doomed us all!" Rosalie proclaimed, almost storming over and throttling the two idiots.

No, they had a plan. They just needed to tell Esme, then they find out what the deal was with the human.

"Don't over react Rosalie. It's quite simple what we have to do now. Get rid of the human and move…" Alice said simply, still petting Edward.

"WHAT?" Esme, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett all shouted at once.

"All this time you two wanted to keep her alive. Now you want her death?" Rosalie screamed.

"No, I won't allow it." Esme said angrily.

"Esme, love…it's the only way to keep our secret!" Carlisle attempted to placate Esme. He'd deal with her later for her crude way of speaking to him earlier.

The sounds of siren cut them off though. They waited with bated breath for the coppers to arrive.

* * *

**Funny enough, I don't care if this gets no reviews...But thanks Caribbean-Trinidadian...you always support my wacky ideas and review...**

**Thanks to agmartin40 for following this story.**

**Thanks to Alexreeder17 for following and adding this and myself to your favourite list.**

**I really like being someone's favourite...Wink wink...creeper smile.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Charlie Swan was pissed as he walked up the front porch of the Cullen residence at two am in the morning. He'd wanted to come alone, but Bella had insisted that he take more than three officers with him and make sure that others knew where he was going. Bella even called Billy to tell him what had happened and she'd mentioned someone named 'Sam' for whatever reason.

He knocked loudly on the front doors, resisting the urge to kick it down.

Carlisle answered the door with a strained smile, "Chief Swan, what brings you here at this hour."

"Glad you're awake Dr. Cullen. I'm here to take your son into custody from breaking and entering! Edward, I believe is his name!" Charlie said in a no-nonsense tone, his tone turned icy at the mention of Smellward's name.

"I'm sorry, but what brings this on? Edward has been home all night?" Carlisle said with a practiced frown. Charlie saw right through it.

"Really? Funny, I have proof of him sneaking into my daughter's room… "

Carlisle grinned, "Well then… I'm sure it was just two kids in love trying—"

"MY DAUGHTER IS IN TEARS BECAUSE OF YOUR SON! He scared the life out of her… so much so, she had to defend herself. And just so you know, she doesn't have anything nice to say about your boy… now, please stop wasting my time and get him out here!"

Carlisle saw red. How dare this stupid human order him around? His Edward was a good boy!

His inner rant was interrupted by a body being shoved pass him. It was Emmett and Jasper hauling Edward out of the house by the hair.

They threw him off the porch, they chorused, "Here's the little delinquent chief Swan."

Esme strolled out the house, Rose on her tail. The caramel hair beauty stood in front of Charlie with a serious expression, "I deeply apologize for the slight against your family Chief. I will not allow such behavior in my house. You can take him in."

Charlie glared at Edward, a bit surprised by his unmarred face, he turned back to Esme, "Thank you Mrs. Cullen. We'll call you… "

"How is your daughter otherwise? She wasn't hurt was she?" Esme asked softly.

Charlie shook his head, "No, she's more upset that I didn't bring her along actually."

The three other officers were trying to put cuffs on Edward and shove him into the car, but he kept sidestepping them. Jasper and Emmett took the initiative and manhandled the pansy into submission, long enough for the coppers to cuff him.

"Carlisle… Daddy… don't let them take me" Edward cried out.

Esme glared at him, "Shut up Edward. You will behave and do everything the Chief says. You need to take responsibility for your actions."

His next words were cut off by being bodily shoved into the back of the patrol car. Alice was about to run out the house towards him but Rosalie grabbed her by the scuff of her neck and dragged her back into the house.

Charlie had to admit, this was one of the strangest arrest he'd ever made.

.oOo.

Sam Uley was confused. Sitting opposite him in the 24 hours diner was the strangest girl he'd ever met. He remembered Bella as a kid, who used to visit La Push would her dad. She was always shy and soft spoken.

But this girl in front of him was neither. He'd gotten a frantic call from Billy, telling him to get to this discrete diner immediately and ask for someone named Isabella.

He found the petite brown hair girl who had a fierce and somewhat malicious expression on her face.

As Sam sat sipping his coffee at one thirty am in the morning, he listened to the girl's tale. He was shocked that she knew what he was. Confused and on alert, he listened as she explained.

"You aren't the only shapeshifter in existence Samuel. I came across others like you in Phoenix. They weren't wolves of course. I can't tell you exactly how I know about you… But, I will keep your secret. The reason I called you here was because I have a problem… a sickly sweet problem. Earlier this evening Edward Cullen snuck into my room. I expected this so I was prepared. I lit him on fire but he got away, so he may still be… in existence...Charlie, my father, has gone to arrest him. But we know their kind and they'll find a way out of it… "

Sam growled angrily, he didn't bother asking how she knew of the Cullens, "Yes… I expect as much. Why did you call for me though? I've only known about this supernatural thing for a year."

She sipped her coffee and smiled, "I might be their target after his escape. He'll come after me… and you can offer some protection and I can help you out with them… I know a few of their secrets."

"We'll have to talk to the council." Sam said simply.

They both left the diner happy. Bella headed to the station, while Sam headed to La Push. He needed sleep before their meeting with the council.

.oOo.

First person (BPOV)

I strolled into the station with a smile. My lack of sleep not bothering me in the slightest. I found Charlie sitting in his office, filling out some paperwork.

I handed him the cup of coffee and stale bagel, just to keep him upright 'til the morning.

**_Fate_**?

**Yes**?

**_Can I tell Charlie about vampires?_**

**I don't see why not. You've already messed up the plot… so what harm could it do… you should probably write to the Volturi too… **

**_What? Why? Won't they want to kill me?_**

**Nope… you have a power remember… But, only write to them if you tell Charlie.**

**_Okay… Thanks… _**

Charlie spoke, "He's in custody. But I handed the case to my Deputy. Can't have personal interest in the case."

"He didn't put up a fight?" I asked surprised.

"He tried to. But his two brothers basically threw him out the house and into the car. Mrs. Cullen was pretty pissed at him… But the doc was being difficult."

"Really… " I said interestedly, "That's unexpected… but a welcomed outcome. Ready to head home?"

He nodded and we left.

Back at home, neither of us slept. I made a fresh pot of coffee and started making pancakes, bacon and eggs. Breakfast was a breeze to make, everything else was next to impossible.

I waited until Charlie ate his early (4am) breakfast to discuss their now predicament.

**_Tell him now! You'll have those vampires to deal with at school later today… he needs to know, in case… _**

"Dad, there's something you need to know. It might sound crazy but it's true. It would explain a lot of things. Especially how Edward managed to get in and out my room so quickly."

Charlie eyed her oddly, but nodded.

"Their vampires… hear me out. The Cullens, every one of them are vampires. I know this because I've met a few before… This isn't Quileute propaganda, or some crazy teen's delusions. Vampires are fast, stealthy creatures… most of them drink human blood, but, the Cullens don't. They think feeding on animals make them different, better even, than other vampires… "

"Bella… "

"Dad, I know. I sound completely nutters… But I'm not lying!"

"I know… "

"No, Charlie really! I'm not—What?"

"I know… you can't lie… Ever! And it does explain a lot… like how that little shot didn't have a scratch on his face. But, what do we do about this?"

"That's why I spoke to Sam… We're meeting with the tribe council later today… after school… They'll help us… and we might have some assistance from the other Cullens… except Carlisle maybe… From what you tell me, he acted like a tool."

"Him and the small black hair cross-dressing boy… "

"I think you mean Alice… she's a girl!" I said with wide eyes.

We starred at each other for a second before bursting into laughter.

.oOo.

[At school]

Charlie dropped me to school a while after, unwilling to let his 'little girl' be exposed to any hostility from the other Cullen kids/vamplets.

He turned To me as he parked, "Call me immediately if anything happens. I've called the principal to tell him what happened. He'll call me if he hears anything. I'm pretty sure most of the students knows what's happened already. Don't say anything."

I nodded firmly, "Got it Chief! I won't let you down." I saluted with a sly grin. I couldn't help it. Charlie was my all time favorite character, next to Jasper, and I had to admit, I had a old guy crush in him. Or rather Billy Burke.

**That's just wrong. You know you're his daughter now, right?**

FUCK MY LIFE!

Charlie raised an eyebrow, "Cheeky."

I couldn't help the girlish giggle as I slipped out of the cruiser, "Have a good day at work!"

I declared as I walked away and headed in the direction I saw Lauren and Tyler.

They smiled at me as I raised an eyebrow at their joint hands.

"Tyler, you break her heart, I break your face." I said waving a not so threatening fist in front his face.

He stared at me in shock, something I was getting used to in the day I've been Bella Swan. She really didn't have much character, did she?

Lauren smiled though, "As long as you let me have a go at him first."

I grinned wickedly, "No problem...where are the others?" I asked looking around the lot, only seeing Ben a few meters away, his head stuck in a book.

"Angela has some paper business, Jess is still on her way and Mike's off with some freshman." Lauren said with tight lips.

I frowned, "Does...Jess know?"

Lauren shrugged, "She thinks she can change him..."

Tyler scoffed at that but didn't comment.

"We need to find her a cute Quileute. Heard their built for...let's just say they're well built." I said with a smirk, "In fact, I know someone down there. We could hang out this weekend..."

"Sounds like a plan. We can visit the beach too." Lauren said in an excited tone.

"Um...why are the pale ones coming over here?" Tyler asked nervously, as he jerked his chin behind me.

I wanted to burst out laughing at his 'pale one' comment but decided to just turn to face the fire...Er...cold?

Whatever.

Sure enough, Jasper, Rose and Emmett were coming in our direction.

"Fuck..." I groaned quietly at the sight of Jasper.

**_Fate! You couldn't have told me they were hotter than their movie counterparts? Especially, the Major? Christ! I thought J. Rathbone was lick-able! _**

**And ruin the surprise. No thank you. Have to keep you on your feet. And remember, he doesn't feel you...**

**_Oh, but I want him to...so very much._**

**Down girl.**

Strapping in my hormones, I kept my face stoic but it didn't last long as I took in the expression of Emmett. He had a shit eating grin on his face that caused me to reflect it. Surprisingly, Rosalie wasn't glaring.

Guess flaming up Eddiekins took me off her shit list.

I kept my eyes off of Jasper, I had a feeling my inner thoughts would show if I leered at him or licked my lips suggestively.

"Isabella, May we speak with you for a moment?" Jasper spoke, his accent peeking out at certain syllables.

"Why?" I asked defiantly, more because he couldn't call my real name. Dammit, the things he could make me do if he just said my real name in that damn panty dropping voice.

I cleared my throat as I felt a smirk begin to form on my lips.

"It's about what happened last evening..." He continued, eyeing Tyler and Lauren, who were hanging on his every word.

**Talk to them, it will be worth it!**

The smirk broke out, surprising him, I turned to Lauren and Tyler, "I'll see you guys in Government."

Not saying another word, I walked off, towards a more secluded part of the lot, which was closer to the forest. On the way, I quickly sent off a text to Charlie.

I spun around momentarily and frowned when they walked pass me into the forest.

"I'm not going in there with you..."

Jasper sighed before turning, "It's better if no one else overhears..."

"Plan on murdering me cow boy?" I asked cheekily and almost chortled at his affronted expression.

I waved off his reply and strolled into the forest, about fifty feet in. God this feels too much like the stupid movie!

"So...sup?" I asked as I sat on a fallen tree, crossing my legs.

They stared at me in silence for a while, too long for my liking.

"If one of you doesn't speak in three seconds I'm gone."

Rosalie spoke first, "What happened last night with Edward?"

"Assward snuck into my room and thought it would be a romantic gesture if he leaned over me creepily while I slept. I woke up and introduced him to this..." I said casually pulling out my new trusty flamethrower.

Emmett boomed in laughter, no exaggeration.

I rubbed my ears, "Boi, ease up with da bad 'Oman laff!"

Shit! Shit! Shit! My blasted Guyanese accent had to be a lil' bitch and reared it damn head. There it goes again.*

They looked at me even more confused.

"What?" Jasper asked with narrowed eyes. Geez, STOP BEING SEXY!

**I don't think he can accomplish that. Even I'm having problems keeping ****_her_**** in check.**

**_Damn you Fate_****! **

**Me? Why? **

**_For putting me here when my bias is married! By the way, what happened during the time you moved me from when Bella first got her to now?_**

**Pretty much the same that happened in the books... **

**_I can live with that. If this ish was going according to the movie, I might've been forced to torch them All._**

Realizing that I had yet to answer, I shrugged, "I like Carribean music...Soca, Reggae and occasional dancehall...the Accent tends to stick. Don't be surprised if I break out with a British accent next. You can thank Harry Potter and The Doctor for that."n

"Doctor who?" Rosalie asked and my inner fan girl went into hyperdrive.

I let out a happy squeal and clapped my hands frantically, "I did it!" I proclaimed. It took a while, but I finally managed to force someone into saying it...the question!

"Did what?" Emmett asked confused.

Jasper cut off my answer, "Are you clinically insane?"

"Muah?" I asked dubiously, "No my darling, I am not..."

I took satisfaction in his reaction to my comment. But, Merlin be damned, his smirk almost made me loose my shit and pounce on him.

We seemed to be mirroring each other's smirk. Not one of us giving the other a chance to win the smirking contest. Of course, my smirk was more flirtatious, while his seemed challenging.

Major, you're on dangerous ground. Trust me. I got my moxy from growing up in the Caribbean, the ghetto. I take pleasure in making guys (who think they've got it _locked down_) shrivel under me power.

Insert pretentious evil laughter here.

"Can we focus on the events of last night please?" Rosalie huffed.

Emmett folded his arms, "Yeah, you two can eyefuck each other some other time."

"Spoilsport!" "Damn black cake."*

Jasper and I said, respectfully.

"You set Assward, I mean Edward, on fire last night, why?" Rosalie asked seriously.

I raised an eyebrow, "I thought it was obvious. I don't like bloodsucking creepers. And dear old EddieWeddie, is a creeper."

Of course, they fell silent. I just shrugged.

"Yes, I know about your dietary preferences. Don't ask me how I know. I won't tell you. I won't tell anyone else either. So...don't fret my pretties. But...if your stalker brother decides to come after me...I have friends on the other side!" I said ominously.

**Cue, thunder! **Fate said, and sure enough, there was thunder.

I smiled creepily, showing teeth, as the vampires appeared skittish.

"Now, tell me. What's up with the pixie? Where is she? Off to see Pan?" I asked with a chuckle, at my own joke obviously.

Emmett seemed to think it was funny, cause he attempted to rape my ear drums with his laughter again. Jasper smirked while Rosalie fought a grin.

"You can say that." Rosalie said, "She's with Carlisle, our _father, _at the station trying to bail out Assward."

That confused me, "And why didn't you three go as well? Did daddy vamp want you three to go Bella hunting?"

"No!" My Jas man said immediately.

"We need to talk more. But the bell just rang. We have to get back to school." He continued disappointedly.

"Sit with us at lunch!" Emmett proclaimed, "And then you could tell me all about how Eddiekins screamed like a bitch when you torched him."

I winked, "No prob."

-oOo-

Lunch

Offering a shit poor excuse to the humans I moved over to the Cullen table. But, technically, it was now the Hale-Withlock-McCarthy table...McHalelock?

I snickered to myself at that and slide into the chair beside Jasper. He tensed immediately.

"I don't bite sweetie." I said, with a wicked gleam in my eyes. DOWN CREEPY FANGIRL! DOWN!

Emmett looked like he was about to comment but Rose shut him up by planting a kiss on his lips.

"That's...effective. Should have thought of that..." I muttered absently at the goofy grin on Emmett's face.

Rose smirked, "It does shut them up quickly."

It was official, Rosalie Lillian Hale, was more than an ice bitch and I loved her! Not in that way people, but don't put it pass me. If you had a look at the real vampiress, you'd be questioning your preferences too. She looked more like a mix between Amber Heard and Madison Riley.

"So...the pixie?" I asked quickly, trying to eliminate the fuzziness in my stomach.

"Alice and Edward were attempting to use you to cover up the fact that they were fucking each other..." Emmett said bluntly.

I stared at him for a minute.

**_Fate?_**

**Sadly, it's true.**

**_So, Bella...in the books was basically a guinea pig for them? The hell? She even did the nasty with that...can I sever his balls next time I see him?_**

**It was actually the boy-girl's idea...and Assward did start to like Bella a bit...but the boy-girl had her claws sunken too deep in him...that sounds dirty...**

**_I'll sever his/her's as well._**

I sat back in the chair, tapping my nails on the table. Noticing that none of them were eating, I leaned closer to Jasper and snagged the slice of pizza he had on his tray. As well as his coke.

Waste not want not! And I didn't buy any lunch, so...Yeah.

He frowned at me.

"Wha? No' li'e if you' gonna eat it!" I said, my mouth full. I chewed and swallowed harshly, "Sorry, my table manners were thought to me by a bear!" I smirked to Emmett, who looked utterly confused.

"So...how do you guys know this? And why tell me?" I asked cracking my wrist before continuing to wolf down the pizza.

Jasper explained how he'd suspected the whole thing and had overheard them speaking.

"And they didn't overhear you while you did this?" I asked, not wanting to give away the fact that I knew they had powers.

Jasper eyed me suspiciously, "How much do you know about us?"

Crap, he catches on quickly. Good little soldier boy.

Better get it over with, I sighed, "Everything. Your history, your abilities, your chose of meat..."

"How?" Rosalie asked tensely.

I shrugged, "Told you. I have friends on the other side. They filled me in on you lot. Especially when I mentioned your unnaturalness."

"Are you talking about ghosts?" Emmett asked with a wide grin.

"More like entities. Beings higher up who control or run things..._there_ and sometimes here._" _

"Angels then?" Emmett asked mystically.

"Sort of, I'm still learning about them...so..."

"And how did you come across them?" Jasper asked worriedly.

"Walked into traffic without looking...I had a crap day, don't judge me...almost died...and then BOOM!" I slammed my palm down on the table, "I met them."

**Nice...you really are a dramatic one.**

"You tried to kill yourself?" Jasper asked worriedly.

I rolled my eyes, "No...I didn't look both sides before I crossed the road..." Something that Nursery and primary school drilled into your head as a child.

"Right..." He said skeptically.

"Back to the imp and creeper problem. What am I supposed to do about them?" I confidently left out the fact that I already had a wolfy-good plan, "If the fortune teller and mind rapist finds out you talked to me, we're in deep doodoo."

Emmett chuckled, "Doodoo!"

"Their powers have been off lately." Jasper said, in tone as quiet as the entire conversation.

I noticed several students attempting to get a closer ear to them. The most unsubtle was Jessica, who had just slipped into the table right beside theirs, by herself.

"Let's go to my car." Rose said getting up. Emmett was about to go dump their trays, still filled with food, but I took Jasper's empty tray (after I ate everything myself, like a hungry hungry hippo!) and slapped his hand away.

"No wasting food!" I almost growled as I attempted to stuff all the packaged food into my bag and filled my arms with the rest.

Jasper being the southern gentlemen all we Major fans go gaga for, helped me out by holding most of it. A smirk on his face.

"You sure eat a lot for such a small person."

I looked down to my borrowed body, then turned slightly to show him my/Bella's barely round bum, "Are you telling my that this ass is good enough? No! I need more cushion back there. Especially since I fall on it a lot."

He smirked, "I think it's cute."

"Well I want it to look sexy!" I huffed and brushed pass him.

**You slut! You're tempting the poor man.**

**_Bitch please, you honestly think I'd give up an opportunity like this? Any Jasper fan will tell you, "Fuck no!"_**

**But, don't you like Caius as well? **

**_I've got a thing for blondes...since there aren't many where I'm from. Sue me...besides...That's only because they had lick-me-all-over Jamie playing him in the movie..._**

I slipped into the hot red car with a goofy grin on my face, _Jamie..._

_"_As I was saying, Alice's visions have been chaotic lately and Edward's mind raping has been limited as well. I think that as more to do with you though."

I grumbled mentally. Great, now it looked like I lead the fool on and then dropped him I'm like a hot bake, or potato as Americans say...they say that right?

"Well..." Was all I managed to say...

"What do we do about them?" Emmett asked incredulously.

"Nothing..." I said with a smile. I explained at their surprised and confused expressions, "You three do nothing. I have a plan. And don't go crazy if you suddenly get a visit from the Volturi."

"WHAT?" All three of them shouted.

-oOo-

* * *

**Warning, long Author note of me whining about my crap life...and excuses for not updating my stories...**

**I expected to upload this faster but, my reality is currently sucking so hard, it could cu...I'm being very dirty minded lately. I'm sorry. But really. I'm having a crap few months. Between having to get my GPA higher, so I don't graduate with a awful GPA, which means I have to take on an extra year. YIPPEE! **

**Don't look at me like that! I hate Biology. Well, not hate. But it isn't something I see myself making a living off of. I literally want to reverse time and slap myself into agreeing with my asshat older sister's grand scheme to make me into her personal doctor. Imagine that Guys. Me a freaking doctor. **

**Have to blame myself a lot though. I did agree to go into biology, when there was something else that I loved and saw in my future. In all honesty though. I was 17 and going against my oldest sister was unheard of then. Especially, when my mother usually sided with her. So Biology it was.**

**Sorry to unload. But I have no one else to vent to. My friends are...well, forget them for a moment. **

**Anyways, you won't even believe me if I tell you what I want to do with my life and it isn't being a writer. Let's be honest, I'd be a crap writer! The protagonist would always kick someone's ass, until it becomes unbelievable and the antagonist would probably be some hot British or Korean (Love me some Koreans) guy wielding katanas, bows and even a freaking scythe. No, I do not want to be a writer...but I love writing...and I love that you guys like my not so run of the mill ideas. **

**THANK YOU!**

Thank you!

You make my life worth it a bit...And yes, I have contemplated things that I shouldn't be contemplating...Life is hard sometimes. But I'd like anyone out there, whose having a hard time, to remember...there are always people who care about you, Who'll miss you and who are worth living for. Your family especially.

This is one of the reasons I dislike Bella. She disregarded the importance of her parents. Granted their relationship wasn't that great but still. Her disrespect towards Charlie and how she was willing to give up her real family for some stalker like baboon she was in **_obsession with _**irked me to no end. You're probably wondering, **_"Why write Twilight fanfiction then?" _**

This allows me to twist and bend the plot to my will, making it into something I can enjoy. And you guys as well...back to the point.

**You are important! Never forget that! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_What you should look forward to:_

_Bella dyes her hair._

_The Volturi..._

_Sam's wolfie goodness is displayed_

_Eddie and Alice are back and as annoying as ever_

_Emmett Laughs...a lot_

-oOo-

**_Fate's speech_**

_Character speech to Fate_

_'_Thoughts'

-oOo-

"Um..." Charlie said as I walked into the living room, with my newly improved version of Bella Swan.

Add red hair, minus meekness, multiply sass and you get me...in Bella's body. Okay fine, I don't actually have red hair but I did dye Bella's to a hot red.

"What do you think?" I asked with a grin, fluffing up the hair dramatically.

Charlie stared for a second before nodding, "Pretty good. I've never noticed how much like my mom you look though."

That's new. "Thanks...She must have been a looker. What ya doing?" I asked as I sit beside him.

"Writing a letter to those Volturi people..." he said as he handed me the draft.

**_Dear Kings of the Vampires,_**

**_This may seem like the strangest thing you've experienced in the last century, well maybe besides disco, but it is important. My name is Charlie Swan and I am a human. Now before you send out a hunting party, which I hope you have, being the powerful beings you are. I'd have a hunting party if I were you. And a room just for enjoying beer, or in your cases...blood, with comfy recliners and a large flat screen...Anyways._**

**_I'm writing to complain about a vampire who lives in my town, Forks. He goes by the name Edward Cullen. You probably know his 'father' Carlisle Cullen. Now, I've heard that a vampire can't show himself to humans, according to one of your laws. Now this is where the problem started._**

**_The lil' shit Edward thought he could sneak into my baby girl's room and stalk her like a common no-good Dracula. He wasn't even creative about it. I mean...I'd have been a little adventurous when stalking a pretty girl. I'd go for the dark, mysteriously charming type, instead of the whiny, brooding teenage boy who wears lipstick. Nothing against Gays of course. One love! Same Love!_**

**_Back to the story. He seemed to have formed some sick puppy love for my daughter, who hates him by the way. So when she awoke to find him looming over her, she attacked him with a flamethrower. Apparently she knew what he was. And knows about you guys as well...in fact, she seems to know a lot...Right, she flamed his ass. And I arrested him, against his dotting daddy's wishes by the way. Of course he was bailed out..._**

**_Now my daughter tells me that they might come after us. Now that I know and they suspect she knows as well. You're probably asking yourself, why should I care? Well, it seems that my daughter is stranger than I thought._**

**_Vampires have powers, I'm to believe. And this Edward fellah can read minds. But not my daughter's. It would seem that none of your kinds' powers can work on her...which means she could be an asset to you...Now, it sounds like I'm prostituting my daughter. Hm...See I would be forever in your depth if you protect my baby girl and if you can give her a way to life forever then I might even want to kiss the fangs off of you...I might even be able to join your guard, if you'd let me. I am a police officer and I pride myself in my combat skills. So think about it? And, fast. Please._**

**_Charlie Swan, Chief of Police_**

**_Forks Police Department._**

**_P.S. This is Bella and my dad sounds crazy. But he speaks the truth. Also you should know that Eddiekins can't read his mind either. Oh, someone suggested you look under your thrones when you get this. And Marcus...stop being a pansy! Do you honestly think Didyme would want you to suffer for the rest of your days. Go out, frolic...woo the ladies...You're a stud, you can't make womankind suffer by not being exposed to your sexy goodness..._**

**_P.P.S. Caius, stop being a ninny. Not having a power doesn't mean you're inferior. If anything, you were blessed with a marvellous mind fit for a king. I'm sure if it weren't for you Aro would be dust in the wind right now. You've got looks, tactics and combat skills any ninja would die for. Now, smile._**

**_P.P.P.S Aro, didn't think I'd forget you, did you? 'Course not. You entertain me too much. You, calm your tits. Power isn't everything. Believe me. Voldemort wanted power and look where it landed him. Noseless and now, dead. Don't ask who Voldemort is...if I ever see you, I'll tell you myself..._**

**_Isabella Marie Swan...should I change my name?_**

-oOo-

Volturi Castle, throne room

Aro stared at the letter, utterly confused. This must be a prank. Demetri must be behind this...But no. Demetri lacked the finesse and sense of humour to accomplish something like this. He wasn't very creative with his pranks.

"Brother?" Caius asked, impatiently.

Aro quickly read the letter to them. Both seemed to perk up by the time he'd finished reading the letter.

Caius was the first to lunge under his throne. He pulled out the 12" by 12" jewelled chest and opened it quickly. He stared at its contents blankly for a second before bursting out in laughter.

Aro did the same with his and almost squealed as he saw the head of Stefan the Romanian staring at him. When the eyes blinked, he indeed squeaked and dropped the box. Caius showed him the head of Vladimir, a wicked grin on his face.

"I think that's enough prove of their claims." Caius said with a chuckle.

"The question is, how did two humans accomplish this?" Aro asked worriedly as he kicked Stefan's head across the room.

"I believe I have the answer here..." Marcus said, causing his brothers to jump in shock. It wasn't that he spoke, it was the manner in which he did. They hadn't heard him sound so alive in almost a century. Since the death of Didyme.

He held up his box and offered it to Aro, as he read the note in his hand.

**_She speaks the truth. This is a gift from her friends on the other side. I do believe these two were on the run after kidnapping and murdering the one called Didyme. You should know. Carlisle Cullen is not who he seems. Many lies have flowed from his lips. Unravel them. But you need Isabella and Charlie Swan. The Wolves are friends._**

**_F & D_**

"There's a cell phone in here. With a single number in the contacts." Aro said excited.

Before he could pick up the phone Caius had grabbed it and was dialling the number...

-oOo-

Earlier in La Push

"That's...the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard..." Old Quil said as he stared at Bella and Charlie, "And why in Taha Aki's name would you write to the Kings of the Vampires? Tell me...are you high?"

Charlie looked guilty but I answered, "No! But I have it in good authority that they will help us."

"Good authority..." Old Quil scoffed, "You mean your friends on the other side?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, "Yes...and it would do you no good to doubt them...that's what got me here." I mumbled the last part quietly.

"Right, what will they do? Send a pixie after me?" the old man said in an annoyed tone.

Sam shook his head, "Honestly, sometimes old people are just stupid_." _He whispered to me, causing me to giggle.

"Watch this..." I whispered to him. I stepped forward, close to the pit fire that was acting as the lighting and attraction piece of the meeting.

I spread my arms wide and threw my head back dramatically and began chanting, *"Jarangseureon hanguk! Myeotmyeot ddaemune nanguk! Hansum hapum sigeoganeun gwanjung! COME FORTH!"

I began swaying from side to side, wondering if I could be sued for using those lyrics. To hell with it. I sounded like a boss!

The small pit fire suddenly exploded upwards and changed to a purple.

_Nice..._

**_I know. I've got mad skills._**

A tall cloaked figure was scene in the fire as it faded but remained purple.

"I AM DEATH! The Speaker calls. The Speaker is truthful. Wolves, hear me. You have trials ahead. The Kings of Blood are friends. You must lead each other to a peaceful future. Unite with Magic. Unite with Blood! Unite with Song! UNITE!"

And the figure, who I finally realize is Death fades away along with his theatrical purple fire.

_I thought I was dramatic..._

**_That's why he likes you._**

_Tell him that was AWESOME! I look forward to meeting him...um...strangest thing I've said so far._

Everyone was silent and looked shaken, even Charlie who was now staring at me with wide eyes. I winked at him and grinned.

"Okay, we believe you...What...What was he talking about?" Old Quil finally spoke and i shrugged.

"Hell if I know. I was just interested in setting the Volturi on Edward Cullen."

**"**Unite with Magic, Unite with Blood, Unite with Song..." Charlie began, "What I got from that is, the Wolves and Vampire need to pull their heads out their asses and start acting like the mighty supernatural being they are, instead of fighting against each other. Work together to create a peaceful world, for your kind...Supernaturals, I mean. Magic...Blood...Song...Um...I think we should get a Karaoke machine. Just in case."

As I listened to him, my eyes widened and I started jumping in the spot, giggling.

_Fate, do we get to meet wizards?_

**_Yes. But not Harry Potter. He's been throw hell already. He doesn't need you missing with the little peace he has now._**

_Shiitake mushrooms. Who then?_

**_Cedric Diggory..._**

**"**WHAT**?" **I shouted, ignoring the questioning stares i received after.

**_Well, who did you expect? He's been getting shit from fans since his death. How would you react if people started calling you Edward Cullen, just because of some idiot actor? THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE FOR ATHEN's SAKE!_**

_Um, don't know how to tell you this, but they really are the same person..._

**_I'm talking about the actual characters, fool._**

_Oh...Where am I supposed to find him?_

**_He'll show up...Don't fret._**

_Reassuring..._

"Bella?" Charlie asked worriedly.

I glanced at him and sighed, "I was just told that we should expect an extra person to our team. He has a personal vendetta against Prickward."

Charlie grinned and rubbed his hands together with a maniacal grin, "Excellent..."

With it being the weekend already, Sam and I were walking along the lake as Charlie and Billy discussed tactics.

"So...let's see that big bad wolf then..." I said with a grin.

He rolled his eyes but led me towards the forests close by and walked deeper into the trees.

We found a good enough spot and he started undressing.

"Aren't you going to turn around?" He asked shyly.

I smirked, "Nope."

Realising that arguing would make no difference he turned around and pulled off his shorts and boxers, giving me a good view of his round bum.

"Nice..." I chuckled creepily.

"Shut up..." he grumbled, but I could tell he's smiling. His body seems to shimmer for a bit before he suddenly explodes outwards and turn into his wolf form.

"Damn, you're huge." I said in wonder and was about to approach him but spun around with I heard a sudden gasp from behind me.

Both Sam and I turned and saw the last person that needed to see him in his form, Leah Clearwater. I'd seen her on the beach staring at us and Sam had told me who she was. I punched him when he told me how he dumped her and was now having to keep away from Emily.

She attempted to run but I lunged myself at her, tackling her to the ground.

She squirmed but I managed to straddle her and push her hands to the side to hold them there.

"Leah, calm down. Unless you want to become a wolf a year early. Yes, you'll change too."

She stared up at me with wide frightened eyes and before I could knock her out, she too begins to shimmer.

I pulled myself away immediately and watch as she bursts at the seams and a large grey wolf replaces the beautiful girl.

I sighed as she seemed to tumble about the ground before her eyes landed on me. She growled deeply and I smiled.

"God, I wish I was Quileute. You look beautiful Leah. I'm sure you'd be able to kick ass soon. Sam!"

As if on cue Sam jumps in between Leah and I. I can tell they're conversing.

"I'll leave you to it then. I'm going back to the beach. See yah around wolfies." I said and walked away.

-oOo-

Monday

There must have been some rule in this story that dictated that all the adventure happened at or after lunch.

I was sitting with Lauren, Jessica, Angela and a girl I never heard about Cassie, she looked mixed, with perfect tan skin, curly hair, grey eyes and a body that in all honesty, put Rosalie to shame.

"You never told me why you sat with the Hales last week..." Jessica said with a knowing smile. She glanced at said table, so I followed her gaze.

Of course, the idiot twins Ed and Ally were staring at me, but looked away immediately. Rose looked up and gave a small wave, Emmett waved widely while Jasper was the epitome of calm and collected. He merely offered a smile and dipped his head in a nod.

I smirked and winked, causing Jessica to squeal.

"OMG! I knew it. You and Jasper Hale. Swoon. Personally I'd go for Edward...but..." she frowned.

"He looks like a girl. Don't get me wrong, I like flower boys as much as the next girl, but they have to be asian...Korean, Chinese and Japanese...they have the best..." I said thoughtfully.

"What?" Lauren asked in confusion.

I looked at her blankly, "You're telling me you've never watched Asian pop? You're missing out sweetie."

"TVXQ..." Cassie said with a grin, "Those boys...make me all tingly..." we both sighed goofily.

"Okay, I'm definitely youtubing them tonight." Jessica said in determination.

"Why's Edward coming over here?" Lauren hissed, she and Angela of course knew what had happened in my room, sans the blowtorch and vampire-ness of the story. They seemed like the best people to tell and since Jessica seemed to be oblivious that meant neither were gossip mongrels.

My phone rang the moment he arrived at the table. I looked at the number and frowned, "'Cuse me guys. I have to take this."

I didn't spare Edward a glance as I stood and left the cafeteria quickly. I answered the phone the moment I was in the courtyard behind the cafeteria, which was always deserted because of the weather.

"Heeelllooooo?" I answered slowly.

"Isabella Swan..." said a smooth but deep voice over the phone.

"Yeeesssss?" I resisted the urge to giggle.

"Bella..." a voice said behind me. I didn't need to turn to know it was Stalkward Cullen.

I turned to stare at him but didnt respond, instead I waited on the person on the other line to speak again.

"Are you not alone?" the voice asked.

I sighed, "No, but I want to be...Who is this? And why does your voice sound so delicious?"

What, no filter.

The voice chuckled deeply, causing my innards to twist. I sucked in a breath and felt the blood rush to my face as a soft moan escaped my lips.

"Stop that!" I hissed, fanning myself, "Do you want me to faint right now? You can't be doing these things to me!"

"My apologies..." he chuckled again.

"I said stop it!" I hissed again. Edward was standing there, glaring at me with his arms folded in front of him.

"'Cuse me for a moment sexy voice. There's a little boy here who won't leave me alone..." I said, turning to Edward, "What the fuck do you want?"

Edward glared more, "Who's that?"

"My fuckbuddy!" I answered cheekily, ignoring the chuckling from my new phone buddy.

Edward stepped forward and made a weird noise.

"Are you farting through your mouth?" I asked stoically, "Oh, that was your attempt at growling."

"Who is that?" my phone buddy asked.

"A douche name Edward Cullen..."

Phone buddy laughed louder, "Aro, it seems that that letter is proving to be accurate..."

The name Aro caused both Eddie and I to freeze. By then the other vampires were already making their way towards us.

"Um, am I speaking to Caius?" I asked in a small voice.

"Yes mia Bella..." he said huskily.

"Eepp..." I squealed happily, "I take it you received my dad's letter then."

"We did indeed. Now, are you currently alone with Edward Cullen?"

"No, his family is standing behind him. But he's the only one that's annoying me...currently."

"And are there any other humans nearby?"

"Yes, I'm at school. It's lunch. But we're outside, behind the school. No one from the cafeteria can see us."

"Do you feel threatened cara?" he asked in his deep sexy voice.

Focus.

"Nah..."

"You should be..." Caius wasn't the one who said that. It was Alice NoAss Cullen.

"What? Be threatened? By you dearie...I don't think so." I scoffed, basking in the glare she was sending me.

"Bella, hang up the phone. You don't know who you're speaking to." Edward said, his tone filled with worry.

I rolled my eyes, "Caius of the Volturi. Blonde, red eyes, malicious, devious, brilliant and a panty dropper."

Of course the phone was still beside my face so the chuckling coming from the other side didn't surprise me.

"You've never even seen him!" A voice shouted over Caius' chuckling.

I grinned and looked up to the sky in wonder, "Oh, his voice is all I need to tell me that. I have a feeling that whoever shouted that is one hell of a sexy beast himself...who is it?"

"Marcus..." Caius answered with a chuckle.

"Oh, well he's a definite looker. Put on Aro."

A second later another voice spoke, this voice was more melodious a pitch higher than Caius' but deeper than Marcus'.

"Ciao Isabella..." he said smoothly.

I released a squeak and had to hold onto my side as I bent over to catch my breath.

"Oh Yes..." I choked out, "You're charm the pants off any woman...Your wives better hold onto you..."

"What wives?" Aro asked in confusion.

I straightened up and narrowed my eyes at nothing, "Don't you two have mates?"

Aro paused before speaking, "Not anymore..."

I sucked in a breath, "Please don't tell me they all suffered a fate similar to Didyme?" I whispered sadly.

Aro paused again, "No..."

"Bitches cheated on us!" I heard Caius shout over Aro.

"Fucking mental!" I shouted in return.

"I agree...Now to the matter at hand. Kindly put me on speaker..." Aro said kindly.

I smiled and followed his instructions.

"Cullen clan. You will not approach this human or her father. She is under the protection of the Volturi...and Edward Cullen...unless you want your wanker removed, I'd suggest you keep it in your pants."

There was a pregnant pause before Emmett erupted in laughter, almost falling to the ground. Rose had to hold him up, but she was holding in her own laughter.

I giggled happily at the sight of an affronted Edward.

"What is that ghastly sound?" Aro asked with a huff.

"Oh, Emmett McCarthy laughing..." I answered.

"Is he laughing at me?" Aro hissed.

"No sir!" Emmett said immediately all laughter gone, "With you—I was laughing with you. Sir."

"Good answer..." I giggled at him.

Edward spoke up again, "Aro, your highness. You have misunderstood the situation...Isabella...is my mate..."

-oOo-

**_(*) Lyrics from Niliria, G Dragon._**

**_Oh, the story of Didyme is different of course. The Romanians killed her not Aro._**

**_Therefore, this story has now been changed to a Parody. And I'm wondering if I can list it as a crossover as well because of Diggory._**


	5. Chapter 5

**I am so sorry for the grammatical mistakes in the last chapter. Note to self, editing a chapter while tipsy isn't the best idea...Don't do it again. **

**Don't judge me, it was the Holidays and I needed the extra kick to deal with relatives...:/**

**-oOo-**

**Chapter 5**

**-oOo-**

I stared at Edward for a second, my left eye started twitching. He just stared at me with a smile on his face, like the discussion was over.

"Fucker says what?" I sneered in disgust.

He frowned at me and shook his head, "Bella, such language is unflattering of—"

"I don't give a fuck, poopsock! I am NOT your frigging mate. You will stay away from me or I swear I'll toast your ass." I said threateningly, opening my messenger bag slightly to show my makeshift flamethrower.

Edward immediately stepped back but held his pompous expression.

Alice stepped forward, well bounced forward, "You are, Bella. I've seen it. You see, I can see the fut—"

"I know about your ability bitch! And you can shove your visions up your nonexistent ass!" I hissed at her.

She looked genuinely surprised for a second, "Wha—How?"

I smirked at her, "I have my ways. As I was saying. You and your darling Edward can go do the nasty and leave me out of your scheming."

"Isabella, that's enough!" Edward hissed.

I stared at him, expressionless, I gestured for Rosalie to step forward. Confused she did as I walked up to Edward.

"Can I borrow your arm? Thanks." I asked, not waiting for her to reply as I grabbed her wrist and slapped Edward across the face with her hand.

Thank you **mama4dukes** for that idea. I'll have you know, it worked perfectly. Edward held his cheeks and whimper, looking at me with wide eyes.

"You will not speak to me in that manner!" I said pompously.

"What just happened?" I heard Caius ask over the phone.

Right, it's still on speaker.

"I slapped Edward, with Rosalie's hand."

"Innovative. Who's Rosalie?" he asked.

"Rosalie Hale, a part of the Cullen Clan." I informed stoically.

"Not anymore." Rosalie said with conviction as she glared at Edward. She slapped him again, this time on her own.

"WHAT?" Alice screeched.

Rosalie smiled sweetly at her, "Oh, Emmett, Jasper and I are leaving. We've already moved our things out of your darling little house."

Alice rounded on Jasper, who was braced against a wall, his hands in his pockets.

"Jazzy...baby, what's she talking about?" Alice cooed.

I gagged loudly.

Jasper shrugged, "I'm leaving you Alice. You and Edward can fuck each other how much ever you want. I don't care."

"Jasper!" Alice screeched, "I told you nothing is going on between Edward and I...I...I...loo...love you..." she forced out.

Jasper shook his head, "Come on Alice, I'm sure you can lie better than that. You've been doing it for the past decade."

Alice glared at him and stomped her feet, "HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO LIE IF YOU PUMP HONESTY INTO ME?"

I shake my head and cringe, "Geez, I really need to take soap to my brains tonight. I took that way out of context..."

Rose stared at me in confusion, "How?"

"Pump...into me...you don't see it?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

She immediately shivered in disgust.

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!" Alice shouted and whined at the same time.

"Jeez, tek leff woman..." I muttered to myself, taking the phone of speaker and moving away slightly to talk to Caius.

"Hey, um...so what now?" I asked.

"You should expect four of our guards soon. For the time being. Try to stay away from them."

"I know. I'm currently staying in La Push..."

"And why does La Push make a different?"

"Oh, shapeshifting wolves live there. They're family friends. They also formed a treaty with Carlisle Cullen which states that none of the Cullen clan members can set foot on the reservation. They'll be ripped to pieces and burnt the moment they do."

"Wolves..." Caius muttered distractedly, "Tell me Bella...are these...werewolves?"

"Gods no. Shapeshifters. Less dangerous, totally in control of their form and willing to meet with you kings to see if you guys can help each other out. Now isn't the time to discuss this, but they have something important to talk to you three about."

"Okay..." He said quietly, "Oh Bella, who are 'F' and 'D'?"

I paused for a moment, wondering what the hell he was talking about.

**_He's talking about Death and I, idiot._**

_You ain't got to be so mean...What's with you and the name calling anyways?_

I cleared my throat, "My friends on the other side."

"The other side of what?"

"This world...this realm..." I replied dumbly.

"Isabella?" He asked smoothly.

"Hm?"

"What are you?"

"I'm just a simple girl...who walked into traffic one day. Totally by accident. And was introduced to entities you have no business knowing. Believe me, you don't want to know them."

He paused, "Entities?"

"Yeah, I'll explain as much as I can. But, right now isn't the best time." I said diplomatically, turning back to face the vampires. Of course none of them had moved. Alice was still trying to annoy Jasper into taking her back. Emmett was laughing his head off for whatever reason and Rose was glaring at Edward.

Said pansy was staring at me, a sour expression on his girlish face and his lacking-in-muscles arms folded in front of him.

Yeah, feminine features only work will on KPop idols...

I checked my 'watch' and shrugged my shoulders, "Well, I'd love to stay and ridicule you further...but I have class to get to." Without waiting for a response I skipped back into the cafeteria.

-oOo-

The rest of the week went by at a steady pace. Charlie and I stayed in LaPush, him with Billy and me with Leah, surprisingly. Of course, we didn't really get along, but Sue and Harry were kind enough to keep me until further notice.

Although sharing a room did kind of shove us together. It was on Thursday when we finally bonded, over the ordeal of Sam and Emily.

"You know, being angry at him won't get you anywhere...they're set for life now...Can't change a thing about it...So, suck it up!" I hissed at her insistent mumbling about Sam.

I was helping her out in Sue's garden after school, seeing that I outright refused to do some ridiculous Algebra homework. Leah had taken the opportunity to rant about Sam being a pig and Emily being a bitch.

"I didn't ask for your opinion!" She growled at me, roughly pulling out some carrots from the ground.

"Yeah, well I'm fed up with your bitching. You need to hear the truth. I get it. Having your ex in your head is possibly the worst punishment known to man, but you can't exactly do anything about it...yet."

"I can make him miserable." She huffed.

I scoffed, "And how's that going for you so far?"

She remained silent.

"Exactly."

"What would you know about having someone in your head anyways?" she challenged.

I glared at her, "At least you only have to deal with it when you're in your wolf form. I hear voices 24-7!"

"What?" she asked incredulously.

I rolled my eyes, "Didn't Sam mention this? My friends on the other side? How do you think I communicate with them?"

She paused and stared at me, "I thought they just use you as a messenger."

"No. _She_ doesn't. She's always in my head." I said dejectedly.

"Thought you said _voices_?"

"Technicalities..."

Nothing else was said for almost thirty minutes as we tended to Sue's vast garden.

Leah finally exhaled loudly, "What should I do?"

"Call Emily. She's family and has precedence over an ex...Maybe you could convince her to talk to Sam. I'm sure you've noticed—he's miserable."

She grumbled but agreed.

After dinner, I settled in her bedroom, determined to complete the homework I'd been avoiding, but was saved by the ringing of a cellphone.

**'Hey, wanna come over? ****—****Rose'**

Utterly confused, I replied with a question mark and quickly received a reply.

**'Em, Jas and I just unpacked our last box...And we're wondering if you want to come see our new house?'**

_'It's 9 nite & u wan me 2 come over? I hav HW...'_

**'We can help you...& pick you up.'**

_'I'll ask dad.'_

**'Bring him too! Esme wants to talk to him.'**

"Well that's unexpected...DADDY!"

-oOo-

Charlie eyed the modern styled house sceptically, while I ohh'd and ahh'd appropriately. Charlie and I followed Rose into a large open-concept living area, where we could clearly see the surrounding forest through the glass back wall.

"Welcome Charlie, Isabella." Esme said warmly as she approached us with a tray of scrumptious looking red velvet cupcakes.

I grinned open-mouthed as I nodded and accepted a cupcake, stuffing most of it in my mouth before Charlie even reached for one.

Esme looked surprised for a second but smiled, "Would you like a napkin?"

I nodded, since my mouth was still full of deliciousness and accepted the paper napkin.

When everyone had settled in the long black sectional, Esme decided to start the proceedings.

"I must apologize for the actions of Edward and Alice...as well as my ex-husband."

Charlie raised his hand to stop her, "Ma'am, you are not responsible for them. They're all adults and should have known better."

"Technically, Eddie and Ally aren't adults yet." I informed after finishing my cupcake. I was reaching for another but Charlie slapped my hand away.

"Right, why don't we just put all that nonsense behind us and start over. I'm Esme Evenson..."

Charlie smiled softly and accepted her outstretched hand, he kissed the back of her hand and smiled crookedly, "A pleasure Ms. Evenson. Charlie Swan..."

Everyone remained silent as Charlie and Esme stared into each other's eyes. I could feel my face contorting into disgust as they openly flirted with their eyes.

I was about to voice my opinion on the matter until a hand clasped over my mouth. Seconds later I was being dragged over the back of the couch and down a hall.

"What's the big idea?!" I proclaimed in a nasal voice after straightening myself from being thrown on a bed.

I sat up to find a smirking Jasper Whitlock staring down at me. I glanced around the room, which was modern like the rest of the house.

"You were about to ruin a perfectly romantic situation with your crass humour. I couldn't allow it." He said simply as he inched closer to the bed.

Not sure I'd survive him being so close to the bed with that expression on his face, I rolled (legs first) over to get to the other side of the bed and jumped to my feet.

Pretending that I didn't just do that, I replied, "Perfectly romantic my foot. That was a disgusting scene of eye-fucking...and you know it!"

He shook his head but chuckled slowly making his way over to me, "Your outlook on life is interesting."

"I get that a lot." I mused while inching away, trying to find something to occupy my idle hands with.

He grinned at me, probably sensing my discomfort by being alone in his room with him.

_Fate, you turned off my shield thingy!_ I accused mentally.

**_No, your face is just easy to read._**

_Bullshit! I'm a closed book._ I argued mentally.

**_Keep telling yourself that..._**

A hand suddenly waved in front of me, drawing me away from my reverie. I looked up to see Jasper standing a foot away from me, which caused me to jump back in surprise.

"Too close muddafucker!" I screeched and dashed around him to escape the room. However, my plan was foiled by the Major, who suddenly appeared in front of me.

"Frigging vampire speed." I mumbled grumpily.

Jasper raised an eyebrow, but held a knowing smile, "You're uncomfortable."

"Want a medal, Sherlock? 'Course I'm uncomfortable...being alone in your bedroom isn't exactly helping my sanity at the moment..." I said, glaring as fiercely as I could.

He grinned and moved to step closer to me, but I held up both my arms attempting to shove him away. He carried on, not deterred in the slightest, "Why? You seemed all too fond of me last week..."

"Yeah...No offence to you and your kind and all...But, I'm not into necrophilia..."

He seemed offended for a second but schooled his expression and stepped back allowing me to exit his room.

I rolled my eyes at his now stony expression, "Really now Major, you didn't expect me to actually jump you, did you? I met you last week. I may know your history, but I know nothing about your personality. So, until this mess is solved, there will be no tumbling in the hay with this human."

With that said I left the room, in search of Rosalie and Emmett. I found them both standing in the hall, facing the living room with wide eyes and slightly grossed out expressions.

Following their gaze, I found Esme and Charlie in the middle of a heated make out session.

"What the balls?" I gasped and covered my eyes, "CHARLIE SWAN, cease the saliva exchange immediately. There are children around!"

I uncovered my eyes to see them pulling apart, reluctantly and Charlie shooting me a peeved glared.

"Don't give me that look! How would you feel if you found me snogging Rosalie if we only met like two seconds ago?"

Rosalie huffed, "Why does it have to be me you're _snogging_?"

I glanced at her and dismissed her with a wave of my hands, "I can't risk snogging Emmett. I'd rather not get on your bad side."

"And what about me?" Jasper asked, back to his normal smirking face.

I ignored him and turned back to Charlie, folding my arms and raising an inquiring eyebrow, "Well?"

He at least had the decency to look thoughtful, "Well, I'd probably be upset..."

Esme finally spoke up, "I'm sorry Bella. I don't know what came over me..." she nibbled at her slightly smudged red lips and looked sheepish.

"You didn't exactly have a choice in the matter", Jasper spoke up, "You two are mates. I'm surprised you didn't jump on each other the other morning when Charlie arrested Edward."

My eyes must have been bugging out, cause Charlie was looking at me with concern.

_Fate, what's going on? This shouldn't be happening!_

**_What? I actually like this outcome..._**

_You did this!_

**_So?_**

"Whatever..." I muttered dejectedly and moved to the kitchen in search of another of those cupcakes.

"So, Esme...divorced? How did that happen?" I asked as I moved back to sit in the living room. Everyone found available seats and waited for the discussion to start.

The caramel hair beauty scrunched up her nose, "Carlisle thought it was his job to 'teach' me how to act like a good wife...he was upset over me forcing Edward to go with Charlie..."

Rosalie chuckled and added, "And you cussing him out when he was babying Eddiekins."

"And when you disagreed for them to go after Bella and kill her." Emmett piped in.

Esme huffed, "Yes. And apparently, a woman who speaks her mind and has her own opinions is an unsuitable wife. So I slapped him with divorce papers. But seeing that our marriage wasn't exactly legal it didn't matter."

I sighed as I chewed on my cupcake, "How can someone so gorgeous be such a Class A asshat!"

Esme shrugged, "He seemed to have it in his head that I'd be miserable and poor without him."

Jasper chuckled, "He didn't think I'd help you alter your marriage contract a bit. Esme now possesses fifty percent of his assets, including houses and investment deals."

"Wasn't that the deal to begin with?" Rose asked.

"No!" Esme snarled, "I had only twenty percent."

"I have a question!" I piped up, "Aren't you afraid that _they_ could show up here?"

"Nah, we were careful to cover our tracks...and scents. If they try to follow us they'll be running in circles. None of them are good trackers..." Emmett said with a laugh.

The sudden shrilling of my cellphone stalled the conversation again.

"Leah?" I answered in surprise.

"Yeah. Calling to tell you that the vampire doctor asked to meet Sam at the territory line to discuss _changes_ that need to be made in the treaty...I'm tagging along of course. So are Paul and Jared."

Right, those two changed a while ago, Paul the same day with Leah and Jared a few days before I'd contacted Sam.

"Wonder what those changes are..." I said sarcastically, "Keep your phone on speaker, we'll stay quiet on this end."

"Good." She said before nothing much else was heard.

-oOo-

Sam stood in human form, with Leah's cell in his pocket, in between Jared and Leah. Paul stayed at the back, he was still temperamental and would most likely attack the vampires before anything was said. They needed to know that Doctor Fangless was planning, in order to counter it.

Carlisle, flanked by his two stooges showed up minutes later.

With a wide flourish of his hands, Carlisle greeted them, "Samuel, I am flattered that you feel comfortable with us enough to come in your human form. I'm truly honoured."

Sam didn't say a word, he kept his face stoic.

After minutes passed with nothing being said, Carlisle covered up his anger at the dog not replying and carried on, "Right. We've come to inform you that several of our Coven members have sadly been misguided and have abandoned their family. They are no longer a part of the Cullen clan and are therefore your enemies."

"Don't tell me who my enemies are, vampire." Sam said in an even tone, his annoyance not shining through his words in the slightest.

His tone seemed to throw the three vampires off, they expected anger from the wolves. They had planned for the wolves to go after their strays, that way the human Isabella would be open to influence and by the time the Volturi showed up she'd be so deep in the Cullen clan no one could do anything about it.

When Edward was finally tired of her, Carlisle would change her and make her the new Cullen matriarch.

"Um...My apologies. I am just looking out for all our welfare. They will likely revert to their inhumane ways and hunt humans. Therefore they will be your enemies." Carlisle tried to explain but Sam raised a hand to stop him.

"If they keep off our land, we have no quarrel with them." Sam said in authority.

"Even if they hunt humans?" Alice piped up in frustration.

"Yes. You may _take care_ of them if you want, since I'm sure they will remain on your side of the border. Or...are you incapable of doing so?"

Carlisle glared at Sam and was about to retort when Edward spoke up, "We can handle them. But we thought we should warn you. You should also make sure that they stay away from Isabella Swan. They may negatively influence her."

Inwardly Edward was smirking, he was sure that Bella would have kept her knowledge of the vampires to herself. He may not have formed a strong bond with her yet, but she was so predictable, his open book.

"I am not her father. Bella can associate with whoever she wants." Sam snarled at the arrogant ass, he then smiled sweetly, "Maybe you should warn her father, I'm sure he'll listen to _you..."_

Edward bristled and pressed his lips disapprovingly.

"Is that all?" Sam asked in a strained polite tone.

"No, you must remove our defected members from the treaty." Carlisle said equally polite.

Sam sighed in impatience, "Names?"

"Surely you know their names?" the vampire asked sweetly, "After all, we are promin—"

"Names?" Sam repeated harshly.

"Esme Cullen, Rosalie and Jasper Hale and Emmett Cullen." Alice replied quickly, she hated having her visions all foggy and now the wolves were blinding her even worse than that stupid human bint was.

"Those are the names on the treaty itself?" Sam asked in a monotone.

Carlisle nodded and smiled, "Do keep a look out for them for us..."

"I'm not your watch dog. Good night." Sam said and turned to walk away. Leah and Jared remained, growling at the Cullens until they left.

Sam placed the cellphone to his ears and heard Bella's voice asking why he didn't just maul the pretentious trio.

"It's too late to get their stink on me." He grumbled, "Can you put on the head vampire there?"

He was quickly greeted by a warm female voice, "Hello, I'm Esme Evenson, how may I help you?"

"Are you interested in formulating a treaty between your clan and our tribe?" Sam asked in a business-like tone.

"Most definitely..." was the reply he received.

-oOo-

**_Want more details? Sorry, too lazy, you got all the important points...and it's a parody. No one really cares about in depth explanations, right?_**

**_Please review! I really love reviews...:)_**

**_Red Velvets for all those who are reading this, those who've already favorite'd, followed and reviewed._**


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